Month: February 2020

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness                                                   But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings–
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn
September 1966

Mile Marker 1: You’re Never Too Old to Start Again

I once heard a saying that “there’s never a hit in life like the one you don’t see coming”. I recently experienced this first hand when I received a call from my Supervisor a day prior to returning to work from Parental Leave that my position of 11 years had been eliminated. My initial reaction was shock which slowly turned to fear and confusion over the next few days. At 49 years of age I was certain that I’d be able to travel on my current path all the way to the golden city of “Retirement”. In an instant, that changed and I found myself feeling lost and alone in unfamiliar territory.

Mile Marker 2: People Don’t Plan to Fail; They Fail to Plan

The age-old mantra is to “expect the unexpected”. While I believe this to be somewhat true I found myself facing a dilemma when the unexpected came knocking at my door. Why is this happening? What do I do to fix it? Where do I start to rebuild? As an old dinosaur I didn’t have a clue of what to do or how to go about finding a job in this new digital age.

Mile Marker 3: If You Stay Ready, You Don’t Have to Get Ready

I quickly discovered that my resume and skills were outdated. My professional network was weak and my Brand, which I thought was a cereal, was practically non- existent. In my haste to reach the “Golden Years” I forgot to prepare a Plan B. I needed road side assistance and had no AAA coverage.

Mile Marker 4: Build Quality Relationships in Order to Make a Withdrawal in Time of Despair

I initially reached out to everyone I knew from my past work experiences (Supervisors, co-worker, colleagues, etc.) to inquire about open positions in their Departments within my company. However, I quickly discovered that I hadn’t taken the time to develop these relationships over the years to warrant much more than a “No, sorry hear that. I’ll keep you posted”, which in most cases meant “Good luck, but you’re on your own my friend.”

Mile Marker5: The Most Important Network is the One Under Your Own Roof

I found that when the rubber truly met the road, the people that believed in me the most were my wife and my children. To them, no matter what was going on outside the four walls of our home I was still their Hero. Even though I wasn’t working my duties as a husband and a father remained a priority. My wife became my biggest cheerleader and my children found special ways each and every day to keep me encouraged and moving forward down the road to Reinvention.

Mile Marker 6: Your Job Title is What You Do, It’s Not Who You Are

I’d spent my whole life defining myself by my career achievements. When those were taken from me in one fail swoop I found myself lost and doubting. It took losing the thing I deemed most valuable to learn that value comes from who you are, not from what you do for a living. I am a Business Analyst by trade, but first and foremost, I am a child of God, a husband, a father, and a loyal friend.

Mile Marker 7: An Obstacle is Often an Opportunity in Disguise

There’s an old adage that says, “A Pessimist sees obstacles in his opportunities while an Optimist sees opportunity in his obstacles.” Once I embraced the reality of unemployment and changed my perspective I used it as an opportunity to sharpen my skills, better my brand, and enhance my marketability. In addition, I began to move forward using the resources that were at my disposal.

Mile Marker 8: Isolation is the Last Step before Destruction

To keep myself from becoming discouraged when things were moving along slowly, I got outside the four walls of my home and engaged in activities that would yield return in the long run. (Growth classes, workshops, seminars, volunteering, etc.)

Mile Marker 9: Time is Your Most Precious Commodity, Use it Wisely

I made a habit to dedicate time to my job search daily, but also to make sure that I was adequately rested and set aside time for spiritual, mental, and physical development.

Mile Marker 10: The Two Most Important Days of Your Life are the Day You Were Born and the Day You Discover Why?

It is my belief that we were all created for a purpose. What we do for a living may make us feel good, but until we truly discover that one thing God created us to do, we will never experience the Fullness of Joy.

My life is but a weaving Between my Lord and me, I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I, the underside.

Not till the loom in silent And the shuttles cease to fly Shall God unroll the canvas And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful In the Weaver’s skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned.

– Author Unknown

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

James 1:22-25 New International Version (NIV)

I have been a Christian for almost 30 years of my life. During that time, I’ve done a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong. When I missed the mark, I’ve repented and moved forward. When I did the right thing, I allowed myself to become foolishly puffed up with pride.

Thinking in some way that my good deeds were going to secure me a better place in heaven because God was so pleased with me. When in reality remaining numb to the fact that self-effort (righteousness) is inconsistent with God’s grace.

For so long I thought my efforts secured my salvation. Thus, thrusting me into performance mode my entire life. However, I have recently come to the harsh ugly truth that I’ve been balking at God’s grace.

I’ve heard and read time and time again that it’s a gift freely given, but deep in my heart I felt like I had to do something to be deserving of such a treasure. Again, not understanding that in its simplest definition grace can be described as getting what you don’t deserve.

It has taken some time, but now I truly understand that I am saved by grace, and grace alone. God is not a slot machine that I can force to payout with my religious efforts. He is a loving Creator that created me in His own image and he desires for me to freely abide with Him in loving relationship.

Not only do I now, fully understand that there’s nothing that I could do to make Him love me more, nor any less, I’ve openly received the gift He has so graciously given me. I have finally humbled myself and chosen to chase after God’s love knowing that then His grace will abound.

All my life I’ve been trying to give to others something I’d never received for myself. My reservoir of grace has been empty and as much as I desired to pour into others it was impossible. Again, the Word says that we should not only be hearers, but doers also.

Although, I had heard the Word as it pertains to God’s grace my actions weren’t lining up with my confession. In the words of Dr. Caroline Leaf, “I was speaking Christianese” (confessing something that I didn’t truly understand or believe). In essence, “Not Knowing”.

It wasn’t until I became honest with myself and transparent with those close to me that I was able to break out of the performance mode that I had allowed culture to pigeon-hole me into and find true rest in God’s grace.

“………., To know and not to do is really not to know.”

– Stephen R. Covey–

“He who knows not,
and knows not that he knows not,
is a fool; Shun him.

He who knows not,
and knows that he knows not,
is a student; Teach him.

He who knows,
and knows not that he knows,
is asleep; Wake him.

He who knows,
and knows that he knows,
is Wise; Follow him.”